Andrew's World

Things I Won't Even Fake A Thank You For If I Get It For Christmas #1

2006-12-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

#1. Patrick Kielty Live DVD.

My. God.

Voices

2006-12-11T07:22:00.000-08:00

You know when you hear someone with a bit of a throaty voice that makes you think, "They must be pretty cool, they must have led some form of interesting life?" Well that is why I quite like having a sore throat on occasion.

Admittedly, when you first wake up it does hurt a bit, but when you talk you get that hint of gruffness in your voice that makes people think, "His voice is good. He must have done something good with his life. I bet he once worked on a market stall in Bratislava."

Jokes on them though, I just have a sore throat. I'm not interesting at all.

Bona Fide Legend Member #4 - Paul Merson

2006-12-10T18:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas

2006-12-08T19:20:00.000-08:00

So Christmas is nearly upon us. I bloody love Christmas me. It's the only time of year where you aren't made to feel guilty for sitting on your settee all day eating turkey sandwiches whilst watching Only Fools And Horses and the Steptoe film.

I know it is probably uncommon for people to do this any other time of the year, but swap the word 'turkey' with 'chicken mayonaise' and that is pretty much what I have been doing all year round for the last two years. It's been bloody magnificent. Don't ever accept anyone's story about being unemployed and depressed about it. Unemployment ranks up there with rock star and cobbler in the job stakes.

I know what you are thinking. How is cobbler a great job? Well, just think about your favourite pair of shoes. You bloody love them, don't you? Heel drops off. Disaster. But oh no. Cobbler steps in. Repairs the shoes. Think of the happiness cobbler has created. Brilliant job.

Wages

2006-12-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

It is strange how all the best jobs are the best paid. I'm talking about things like being a footballer or a Hollywood actor or Bodger of Bodger and Badger fame.

Fair enough, I understand the used-philosophy that to get the best you have to pay for the best, but it is odd how not once has the argument gone the other way in that there would be always be an endless supply of people willing to do these jobs for virtually nothing.

If someone offered me nothing but a bit of food and drink a week to be a professional footballer, I would jump at the chance. There can be nothing better than waking up of a morning knowing you are going to boot a football about for a couple of hours and thats it.

Heck, I would be Badger of Bodger and Badger fame for a fiver a week.

Another thing whilst I am at it. I hate it when teachers complain about low wages. Have you ever seen a teachers' car park? Gangsta' rappers look on with envy.

Soaps

2006-11-21T19:12:00.000-08:00

The one thing that has always amazed me about soapland is despite the entire fiction of the places featured the residents have a perfect knowledge of the real world.

So, with this in mind what also amazes me is that never in an episode of one of the nation's favourite soaps, a character hasn't told a fellow character that they look like the actor who plays them.

For instance, in Eastenders Phil Mitchell and Grant Mitchell could have been in the middle of some beating-up mission (I don't watch Eastenders, but I think they do go on beating-up missions) and then Phil turns to Grant, chuckles and says with a clear hint amusement in his voice,

"Here Graaant, I've just thought who you look like!"

"Whoooose that then, bruv?"

"You know that Ross Kemp fella, off the telly."

"Naah, I don't watch the telly, I beat people up mainly."

"Oh well, bruv, you look like that Ross Kemp off the telly."

"I'll look out for him, bruv."

"Alwight. Let's get on with beating Arfur Farler up then."

"He's dead."

"Oh wight, well let's get home for Ross Kemp's show about gangs on Sky One then."

Emmerdale Farm

2006-11-21T19:00:00.000-08:00

I was watching Emmerdale Farm last night. In the episode Woolpack barman, Bob Hope attempted to run down local rich man, Tom King, in his automobile. I would go into more detail, but it isn't important to what I want to say. And besides, if you don't watch Emmerdale Farm, I think it's about time you had a sit down and think about where you life is at and heading.

Anyhow, after avoiding death, Tom King whipped out his mobile phone and dialled 999. The emergency services. The conversation from King's side went as follows:

"Hello, Tom King. Someone's just tried to murder me."

This is where the writers left it for us faithful viewers. I can only speculate as to how the conversation developed, but I imagine this was pretty much it:

"Hello, Tom King. Someone's just tried to murder me."

"OK, what has happened and where are you?"

"Bob Hope has just tried to run me down because he blames me for the death of his daughter."

"Bob Hope eh?... OK. We can send the police. Where are you?"

"Outside The Woolpack Inn, Emmerdale"

"Is this a krank call?"

Food

2006-11-21T18:34:00.000-08:00

The worst foodstuff is definitely a bag of McCoys crisps. I hear gasps at that statement. I hear cries of, "No, McCoys are delicious." Don't worry I agree. They are delicious. But, the problem with McCoys is that no-one ever turns one down.

If abiding by the law of crisp eating, that you must offer one to anyone not eating within a 5 yard radius, then you will find yourself giving away many, many potato chips. They are bloody lovely though, so they still have to be consumed at whatever cost (I don't mean monetary cost, I mean whatver the type of cost is when you lose crisps to fellow man.)

What else do I have to say about food? I had some micro chips today for the first time in a long time. Crinkle cut. 4 boxes in return for a one pound coin. They were pretty nice. I'd recommend having two boxes at the same time though as you don't get many in one box. I'd go out on a limb and say not even enough for a chip butty.

What do the yanks call chip butties? Fry sandwiches? I bet they don't even eat fry sandwiches. Further proof that Americans are idiots and George Bush is a cunt. I don't actually think George Bush is a cunt, but I have noticed it is the easiest way to win friends and popularity to say he is one.

What else do I have to say about food? I like brussel sprouts. That's a bit of a shocking statement, I grant you. I don't know anyone else who likes brussel sprouts, so I am clearly in the wrong, but I like them.

What else do I have to say about food? I ate some salmon today. It was rather beautiful, I must admit. I actually bought it myself with money and interaction with checkout staff and all that palaver. It was £4.33 for two salmon steaks with parsley. I'm not actually sure what the parsley did and whether it was factored into the price, but I'm glad I bought it. I had been tempted by some 'Salmon Cuttings' which were 66p and you got a right bagful for your money. It did look bloody horrible though. I think it might have been designed to give to cats or tigers if you have them.

The problem with eating fish is the potential for bones being present. Now I aren't bothered about that personally as I am usually pretty careful when eating it to ensure I aren't eating any bones. The worry for me is that someone else you are eating with is going to choke on a bone and my lack of first aid skills is going to prove costly.

What else do I have to say about food? Nothing.

Real Meanings

2006-11-17T18:12:00.000-08:00

There are many clichés that footballing commentators use to describe players. They are just that - clichés - as they always are just said to hide what they really think of the player.

I will reveal the true meanings of some of these clichés as and when I hear them during commentaries over the coming weeks. I will start you off with two of my favourites for now:

"He has a good touch for a big man" - This one can have one of two meanings. It will either mean "He has a brilliant touch, but he does look a bit gangly so we won't go overboard with our praise" or "He has an awful touch, but he is 6 foot 3 so we will forgive him being appalling."

"He really does have a big heart" - This one means "He is atrocious, but he will run about like a madman for 90 minutes."

Yobs

2006-11-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

I feel quite sorry for people who have a genuine love for things that are considered a bit yobbish or chavtastic.

I love football, but I am quite willing to accept that that will see me regarded as a bit oafish by many. I can see exactly where the opinion comes from as many people just watch it as it is perceived to be the 'in-thing.' Also, you do get the hooligans who go to football just to grunt at millionaires.

When I see someone overly impressed by a mobile phone or something of that ilk, I just think, 'What a waste of a life,' but then I see something like a nice pair of jeans and turn into exactly the same person as the mobile phone lover.

I am just glad the most of the things I like aren't too popular. There are quite a few things that I have loved and then they have become popular so have lost interest. In the main I find that anything that attracts crowds is a load of rubbish designed to attract morons to dispense with their money.

What Kills You Can Only Make You Weaker

2006-11-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

One of the sayings that annoys me most is, "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."

This is untrue in pretty much every case. The phrase is never used after something good has happened. For instance, on someone's 18th birthday celebrations no-one pops out of a massive novelty cake and exclaims, "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."

No, the saying is only used when something bad has happened. I shall for instance you again. The piece of wisdom is usually used after something like someone getting knocked down by a bus, just about surviving, but forcing them to live without feelings in their legs for the rest of their life... and in pops someone to say... "Oh well. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."

Yes, thanks for that Doc, you do talk some bollocks.

I Tell You What Amuses Me...

2006-11-14T16:31:00.000-08:00

seeing chimpanzees at zoos.

They are brilliant. They are the only animal in the zoo where watching them is funnier than just shouting, "ONE HAS ESCAPED. OH MY GOD, ONE HAS ESCAPED."

Stats Just Not On, Andy

2006-11-12T17:43:00.000-08:00

I was watching Arsenal vs Liverpool earlier. A football match to those unaware. Also, to those unaware Sky Sports show Barclaycard Premiership matches live. Arsenal vs Liverpool was one of these.

Anyhow, during the match the commentator revealed a statistic and Andy Gray, co-commentator and general overexcitable Scotsman, actually took the mickey out of him for it.

I've forgotten what the statistic was now, but Gray's response was to chuckle ridiculously, and say in front of a listening and watching nation, "You can dust your anorak down now."

That's right Andy, you have a go at your colleague for doing his job whilst you just talk bollocks in your incredibly television friendly voice for idiots.

By the way, tell me you're not impressed by the headline I've come up with. It has taken a while, but I think I am back on track to making Richard 'Twice Nightly' Whiteley proud.

What I Have Learnt In The Last 24 Hours

2006-11-08T16:26:00.000-08:00

1. Screech Powers is a twat.

2. I am quite magnificent at doing impressions of Screech Powers' Mum... what a shame there will so little demand for it because it is sensational, even if I say so myself.

3. If you don't buy tickets for a 'Play Your Cards Right' game in a pub, you will be frowned upon.

4. Posts like this for your blog seem a whole lot better when you are thinking about them on the way home from the pub.

That Time Capsule Blog Thing

2006-10-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

I never did do a blog for that thing last week where they wanted everyone to do a diary of their day for future generations to read. Oh dear, our sad, never mind.

If we had had our heads screwed on we would have messed with the minds of the people of the future. We could have bloody conned them, we could. We could have, get this, get this, made outrageous stuff up that we'd done that day, and the next generations would have thought we were living it up.

For instance, my entry would have been:

I got up today at 5am. I had to get the kids ready for school. We are the first stop for the headmaster, who drives a massive bus and picks all 1000 of his students up. I went back to bed and watched GMTV, a fascinating breakfast show presented by the Prime Minister. He enjoys a bit of banter with the blonde weather girls, who he hand picks off the street and forces to work with him.

Anyway, off to work at 8:30am. I work as a footballer. God, it is hard making a living on these measly £50,000 a week wages. I'm not sure, but I think butchers earn over £2,000,000 a week. My local butcher's sausages are shit. I tell him though. I pay his wages when I buy my ticket to watch him work every Saturday, so it is my right to tell him what I think. Time he got some tomato sausages in, in my very honest opinion.

Home from football training at midday. God, I didn't have a minute to myself today. I didn't even get chance to snort cocaine with my teammates today. The manager, the cheeky git, made me practice free kicks and play some five-a-side.

Anyway, I have an ejoyable afternoon ahead of me. What with the entire population of Poland now in Britain, I have two maids so I get one to make me continuous cups of coffee and one flicks between Paramount Comedy, Sky Sports News and Channel 4 for me.

The kids are home from school at 4pm. The nextdoor neighbour brought them home on horseback. Good chap, good chap, works in the umbrella hat industry. Big business nowadays they are. All the cool dudes wear them in rainy conditions.

Anyway, off to bed at 6pm for my recommended 11 hours a day sleep.

Good night, hope this helps you all know what it was like to live back in 2006.

I could have taken my occupation as timewaster into centuries to come.

The Pieman

2006-10-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

I've been watching a bit of the darts that Sky Sports are currently televising. There is a player called Andy 'The Pieman' Smith.

That is bad times, you have to admit. I mean, being nicknamed 'The Pieman' isn't particularly good going in any walk of life, but when you are dubbed 'The Pieman' in the world of darts you know you are a bit chubby.

Check him out if you want... http://www.andythepiemansmith.com/

Buy some merchandise. The mugs are surprisingly tempting.

What An Idiot I Am

2006-10-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

I have just realised I forgot to watch Doctors today.

The State We're In

2006-10-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

I was watching the news earlier because I am a man of the world. A word of advice for any newcomers to the world of television news watching though: Just watch the last 2 minutes.

This is the only time you get any good news like hamsters on skateboards. Plus the added bonus is that you often get foxy weather chicks at the end also. The rest of it is just petrified reporters spending their time in some war zone like Kabul in the hope of one day becoming Ron Burgundy, AKA The Anchorman.

Anyhow, on the news it said that this coming Tuesday everyone has got to do a blog about the exact details of what they did with their day, so that in centuries to come, people can look back at the way we lived. I will be doing this, so keep logging in. It will be riveting stuff.

It's just a shame my goldfish, Rod is no longer with us. When I used to take a minute out of my day to feed him, then I was living.

Thirty militants killed in Shi'ite city

2006-10-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/08102006/325/thirty-militants-killed-shi-ite-city.html

I bet the journalist who wrote this has never even been to Diwaniya, and he has the nerve to say it is Shi'ite. If I was from Diwaniya, I would be most offended.

Perception

2006-10-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

I am very much looking forward to being rich. Rich people get respected for anything they do.

At the moment I am considered a bum. Rightly. I agree, I am a bum. But, if I was to just do one thing that made me rich and went back to being a bum, I would no longer be considered a bum. People would think, "Look at that lad, he's loaded and sits on his arse watching Family Fortunes on Challenge TV. He knows how to play the game."

It is a similar situation to the difference between good looking men and ugly bastards, as they are technically known.

I guarantee you that if a good looking man follows a girl home with a red rose and presents her with it, she will fall into his arms and perhaps kiss him on the lips. She will then ring up all her friends excitedly and they will love the sound of it all. A Hollywood feature film will probably be made about it.

If someone with a wart on his right cheek, or someone with crusty lips and a speech impediment was to do the same thing, the police would definitely be involved and injunction orders would be issued.

A Brave Face Needed

2006-10-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid to say it is over. It is sad but true. I have split up with my girlfriend. My longest relationship to date is no more.

The romance all started at a comedy night this evening. When I returned from the bar to find I had been left out of the seating plan of the gang I was with, I had to approach a random biatch, like a loser, and ask, "Is anyone sat here?"

Fortunately no-one was sat there, and so an affair started between us. 3 comedians came and went, we had a laugh, I even brushed shoulders with the girl, but as the 90 minute show came to an end, so did our love.

Still, it was great while it lasted. I never shall forget the look of, "No, but I would rather you didn't sit there either," on her face. It was class.

Google Earth

2006-09-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

Google Earth, what a tool. What a tool. It is quite magnificent that we can look at any place in the world at the click of a left mouse button.

What is also magnificent is where we all look first. Our own house. It is just a human impossibilty to look at anything other than your own house first. All the world to look at and the most interesting thing is without doubt your own back garden, which you could just open your curtain and look at anyway.

I have taken the opportunity to view a few of the world's landmarks, like the Eiffel Tower, Niagara Falls and the Nou Camp. None of which are anywhere near as impressive as seeing my Dad's car circa 2002 parked in front of the house.

Alarming

2006-09-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to get me to wake up at the time I actually want to wake up at, I have started using an old wind-up alarm clock. You know the type that may wake you up well, but consequently knocks 6 months off your life every time the alarm bell rings due to how loud and scary it is.

Anyway, I don't know how people got by in the days of these wind-up merchants being the only available alarm clocks. When wound up fully, mine still loses about 20 minutes during the night. On top of this, the only way you can set the alarm is by using a third-hand and hopefully aim it somewhere around the time you want waking up.

Now, I am fortunate in that for one I do not have to be up for any particular reason very often and two I also have a 'The Simpsons' electronic alarm clock, which may not wake me up very well, but it does keep an accurate time to look at.

2 alarm clocks eh? Yes, you are right, that does pretty much make me the coolest motherfucker that ever did live.

The Students Are Revolting

2006-09-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

There are some things that I wish I could explain, but I just can't. Whenever I hear a student say the word 'Uni' it makes my blood boil to such an extent that I would genuinely rather be shaking hands with Hitler or some other bad man from the past like Richard Hillman or someone.

I don't what it is about the word 'Uni' but it just sounds very gay and annoying to me. Students in general are twats as we know. I used to be one, and they destroyed my faith in mankind for good then. I was the exception to the rule of course. I was a class act even back then.

Listening to students have conversations is particularly nauseating. Listening to them whinge about having to stand up on a bus or something equally unimportant riles me, as does their insistence to talk with fascination about what they and their friends Barney and Rupert got up to last night in some shit pub that was clearly created for the depressed to go and drink away their troubles.

The worst of all though is female students with their accents from some undescript place. I can just about bear male students as I can just try and blank their existence from memory. But, some of the lasses I would like to bum, and then I hear them talk and I am just left with a destroyed heart.

Of course though, the great thing about student populations is the high percentage of young totty, and if just say 10% are decent people (OK, a bit of an optimistic aim) then you have probably your best chance of meeting a young hotty who is alright as well.

Word Of The Day

2006-09-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

Outcry

2006-09-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, something else I have just thought of that makes me laugh.

In a football match, when someone does an absolutely ridiculous scything challenge that almost breaks the leg of the victim, and then some pundit assesses the incident and says, "There's just no place for that on a football field." Yes you are right because there are loads of places for it elsewhere.

Blackwell Out

2006-09-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

So, Leeds United have departed with their resident whinger Kevin Blackwell. The loser, who was actually somehow the manager of one of the nation's biggest clubs has been sacked after a dismal start to the season.

Everyone is straight out with the comments along the lines of, "No-one wants to see anyone lose their job..." Well, that as it may be, but there is no denying that we all love a good managerial change.

I have been going to Leeds United games for well over a year now, without any excitement whatsoever, but I am already a bit giddy about Saturday's match versus Birmingham City at home. They'll probably lose, but at least I won't have to witness a match without any chances for Leeds, and then listen to old Blackie whining about how he hasn't had any money to spend, despite spending more than virtually all other clubs outside the Premiership.

The other great footballing cliché that is not true in the slightest is, "No-one wants to see red cards..." What a load of bollocks. Other than a superb goal, that is exactly what I want to see. The best match at the World Cup was clearly the Portugal-Holland game when every player got booked about 3 times and 4 players got sent off.

Even Tarrant's Wife Has Had Enough Of Him

2006-09-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Even Tarrant's wife has had enough of him.

Michael Owen

2006-09-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

I was going to post something else about Michael Owen, but whilst trying to find an interview that had been in the papers today, I found this:

www.autotrader.co.uk/EDITORIAL/car_page_content/32639.html

I haven't read it properly, but I think if you are a rich kid, you can buy Michael Owen's car.

What I was actually going to post was to do with Owen today saying something along the lines of, "No-one thinks about Van Nistelrooy's knee any more," with reference to his own comeback from a damaged knee.

No Michael, that's because we are all sussing out whether he looks most like a horse or a donkey.

Bona Fide Legend Member #3 - Geoffrey Butler

2006-09-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

This Time Next Year

2006-09-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

I aim to become an eccentric millionaire one day, and so I try to think of brilliant things to do when I achieve my dream.

I have had two things that I have had planned for quite a while, one of which currently escapes me. What I definitely want to do though is buy the pub in Wakefield named 'The Jockey' and change it to 'The Sausage Jockey.'

I will also get some uber-cool artist with far too much of their parents' money burning a hole in their pocket to paint me each of the Saved By The Bell gang to put on my wall. I will probably also get a sculpture of Mr. Belding done. To be honest, having just thought of the idea of a Belding sculpture, I might get that made whether I become a billionaire or not.

Ooo, I'd Like To Kiss Her Member #3 - Holly Valance

2006-09-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Ooo, I'd Like To Kiss Her Member #2 - Tia Mowry (Of Sister Sister Fame)

2006-09-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

Bona Fide Legend Member #2 - Matthew Malone

2006-09-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

The Difference Between Men And Women, A Topic That Has Never Been Done Before I Am Sure

2006-09-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying women nag but...

every Saturday afternoon, the length and breadth of the country, men are prepared to join crowds of up to 75,000 at football grounds, to watch a bunch of young overpaid twats, for extortionate prices, just to get a bit of peace and quiet.

Bona Fide Legend Member #1 - Richard Belding

2006-09-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

Ooo, I'd Like To Kiss Her Member #1 - Maria Sutherland

2006-09-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

Boring Boring Chit-Chat

2006-09-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

It is true what they say, that only boring people get bored. Even the most simple mind must be able to find something to entertain themselves in this day and age of television, internet, loose women and widespread legal gambling.

To be honest the only thing that bores me is inane conversation. Drunken conversation is great, as is any talk about bygone days or the inadequacies of the local sports team, but most other conversation is pretty dull. All that, "What are you doing at the weekend?" "What did you do last weekend?" shit just annoys me more than anything. It's Wednesday, get a grip of yourself, the weekend is long gone and is not here for a few more days. son.

Comfortable silence is magical. How many people do you know who you can comfortably sit in silence with, and know that both of you are quite happy with the situation? Those are the people to treasure. Then when you are talking you know it is good stuff, not just time filling babble about the price of fish. Although, to be fair, I would love to have a conversation about the price of fish as I have no idea how much it is, so it would educate me.

I once went on a two hour journey to Birmingham with a mate who I hadn't seen for a few months. The first hour, we talked about all and sundry, then we had a half hour period of practical silence. But we were both happy with it as we knew we had talked about enough shit for one day, and we restarted the conversation by discussing how you don't see as many Happy Eater's as you used to. See, quiet time followed by cultural discussion.

Educational, humorous or interesting talk, good. Pointless chat, bad.

The Yankee Dollar

2006-09-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

So, Ashley Cole, the whingeing full-back, says he felt let down by Arsenal's lack of will to keep him in North London. Apparently they would only offer him £55,000 a week and not the £60,000 he wanted. Poor baby. You have to side with Cole in this instance, I just don't know how he'd be able to cope on £55,000 a week.

It does still amaze me actually that fans of football clubs think that players have any kind of loyalty whatsoever. As far as I can see if player z plays for club a getting paid x amount of pounds per week, and club b comes in with an offer of x+1 amount of pounds per week, then player z will be going faster than he can actually kiss the badge of his new club.

Can't Think Of A Title

2006-09-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

I know I have a go about our country, but in the main it deserves it. Well, I don't suppose it is the nation's fault itself, it is more the inadequacies of its inhabitants that is the problem. Great Britain is quite a beautiful place, large quantities of its tenants are a bit crap though.

Anyhow, what I wish to grumble about on this occasion is the mentality of Brits when it comes to sports. Many, many members of the population play sport and wish to be good at it. Yet, how often do you see the same people who claim to be 'winners' putting in the hours to actually become good at it. Not very many, I can tell thee.

What you get is people playing every practice or fun match at any sport with the main emphasis being put on winning... and as a result never developing skills, techniques or tactics that can be used when it really matters.

I am going to for example you. Every World Cup in football, you get the experts pondering why Brazil are consistently good at the game, whilst England fail to deliver. What is the most common reason given for Brazil's excellence? Of course... God given talent. Of course.

So, it is nothing to do with the fact that there are few competitive leagues for kids to play in in Brazil, meaning they can spend their childhood learning techniques and having fun and not caring about the results. Winning games becomes a lot easier when you have an abundance of quality players.

In comparison, take a look at English kids football... everything focused on building teams to win. Put the fastest, biggest children up front. Punt it up to them and watch them score double hat-tricks. We have built 'winners.' OK then.

See you in the next glorious failure where we can blame the referee.

Andrew's Philosophical Comment #1

2006-09-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

Live each day as it comes, for you never know when your stingray may bite.

Tea-riffic

2006-09-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

I made my first cup of tea for someone other than a family member yesterday, and it received rave reviews.

I shall be putting it on my CV. Because let's face it, one of the most important components of this nation is our ability to drink tea when we are supposed to be working. I think the only thing that you can improve upon making a good cup of tea is being able to source custard creams and rich tea biscuits at low, low prices.

Cuntry

2006-09-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

The people of this nation certainly put the cunt in cuntry.

The next time I say something to someone and get a response of a gormless look of miscomprehension I shall be forced to act. I think a Jose Mourinho look of disapproval is what I will opt for, but I am growing more and more distressed by people and their simpleton actions, so I will take any suggestions on board as to what to do with cretins in future.

See you in the next one.

Multilinguists

2006-08-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am mightily impressed by people who are multilingual. And whilst, it would make me feel rather proud to be able to speak a few languages myself, I do not have the will power to actually learn any. But, I do think we can all do our bit to mix in with our foreign cousins when we go abroad.

So, what are the key words that you are just bound to need in any country on God's Earth?

Hello - you'll need to say hello to someone, if only as a casual recognition of their existence.
Please - manners
Thank you - manners
Knobhead - There are knobheads the world over. It is the one consistent feature no matter what continent, country or city you are in. There will be knobheads, and you may like to tell someone the fact.

That is all you will need, the rest can be done with brand names. Oh you might need to learn a few numbers also, but your fingers do come in handy for numbers up to ten. Two fingers are often needed in France.

Missing Items

2006-08-25T18:26:00.000-07:00

I have lost:

One ringer t-shirt with Swedish writing on.
One fitted black button-up shirt.

and

One navy blue beanie hat.

All of which help me look the bees knees, and make the birds go weak at the knees, so if anyone knows of their whereabouts, please get in touch.

I Watched Newsnight And Paxman Didn't Present It

2006-08-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

I have seen budget airlines take quite a knocking lately in the newspapers and on TV. Well, I haven't I actually only saw it on Newsnight, but anyway, it annoys me as it is just plain stupidity.

Anyone who has actually been on budget airlines, who isn't a complete bell-end will know they are just exactly the same as any other airline, only you don't have to pay extortionate prices for the privelege.

The only difference is that you don't get a numbered seat. Who cares. You don't get a meal. Thanks, they taste like shite anyway. And you don't get other wanky features like on-board movies or oxygen. You do get oxygen really, I made it up for comic effect. God, I am funny.

I can always take on board peoples' arguments about anything and see where they are coming from in virtually all instances, but I am still to hear anyone come out with a valid argument about why they hate budget airlines so much. If someone was to say they couldn't stand budget airlines because they simply adore the cuisine aboard aircrafts, then fair enough, I would accept their argument.

To me, all it seems to be is oh-so-posh fifty-somethings who studied getting bummed at Cambridge, who still want travel to be some elitist activity, whilst the rest of us go to Benidorm for a fortnight once a year, bronze our buttocks and demonstrate a complete lack of tolerance for anything 'foreign.'

Telephone Etiquette

2006-08-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

Whoever invented telephones has a lot to answer for. They really are annoying. All that 'bring-bring' followed by conversation shit winds me up muchly.

Well, actually I'm not sure I do have much of a grievance with the inventor of phones as the idea of them is, to be fair, excellent. A phone call with a reason behind it is splendid.

Let me for instance you. If I am playing in a football match and I needs to be made aware what time the kick off is, then it is superb that I can ring someone up, say, "What time is the kick off?" They tell me, and that is the end of it. Magnificent.

You might even slip in a quick story about seeing a dwarf eating a Yorkie, which again is totally acceptable. What does become highly inappropriate though, is when you get a phone call to hear about what someone has done at the weekend, or to tell you their problems. The Pope, or whoever invented telephones, didn't want this to happen.

So, a summary:

Telephone call rules:

To arrange something - acceptable
Comical story - acceptable
Prank calls - acceptable
To find something out - acceptable
To inform - acceptable
To invite - acceptable
To inform of chav-like antics from the weekend - unacceptable
Inane ramblings - unacceptable
No reason whatsoever for call, and just to ring up because you fancied a 'chat' - I'm sure you can find some coffee morning somewhere, where you will find like-minded people who will probably be female.

Laters.

Buses

2006-08-08T19:11:00.008-07:00

Buses are the most underrated pleasure zone on earth. Even if I was to become the richest man on Earth, I would still use buses for the incidents and comedy you encounter on them.

I used to go on buses a lot, back in the day when I did stuff. I haven't been on one for a while, but I travelled on one the other night, and as per usual, there was fun to be had. On this occasion, what amused me greatly was the fact that a bloke was so openly wearing a tracksuit top that said on the back 'One World Cup and Two World Wars.'

Now, Germans aren't well regarded in England, but are they viewed with so much contempt on a wide level, that people can just publicly brandish their racism and know they won't get any negatitvity aimed their way? It appears so.

I would just quickly like to risk making myself unpopular by saying I don't mind Germans. Well, I admit when I see them on TV, they often look a bit arrogant. But, of the countries I have been to, I would say they were the most polite people. I haven't been to Peru though. Peruvians are supposed to be lovely.

Television Gold

2006-08-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

I watched an American programme the other night, brilliantly named, 'When Good Pets Go Bad.' Credit where credit is due, there were some good pets that had gone bad. For instance, a couple of dogs turned on an elderly woman and almost savaged her to death.

There were other examples like this. The show went on, and ended up showing a bloke whose job was, I kid you not, 'An Alligator Wrestler.' Guess what happened to him... go on... yes, you are right, he got bitten... yes, you are right again... by an alligator.

What actually happened to him was that he did a stunt where he stuck his head in between the jaws of an alligator, and didn't get bitten, thinking he would never get his comeuppance. Well, this time he did. The alligator slapped it's teeth in his head and clung on for a good many seconds. Eventually, he got his head out, and needed stitches.

Now, I take issue with a couple of things here. First and foremost, is an alligator a pet? No, and particularly not when it is being used as an opponent for someone who regards himself as an alligator wrestler. And secondly, even if it was a pet, did it really go bad? Who is at fault in an incident where a supposedly intelligent human sticks his head in between the jaws of an alligator?

I think a more appropriate title for the show would have been: Only In America.

Sky Sports News Female Presenters League Table Update

2006-08-08T18:43:00.000-07:00

Straight in at number 1... Hayley McQueen

Up one place to number 2... Di Stewart

Down one place to number 3... Kelly (not Kenny) Dalglish

Down one place to number 4... Georgie Thompson

Apologies

2006-08-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

I apologise for the lack of posts of late. I keep thinking of things to put on, but then I forget what it was when it comes to getting on the computer.

I genuinely think I may be losing my marbles. I used to have a brilliant memory, but now I even forget pretty simple things.

Speaking of pretty simple things... (if I knew of any dimwitted, but good looking girls, I would talk about them now. However, I don't, so that is the end of that.)

You Could Not Make It Up

2006-07-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

Jockey investigated for alleged butt on horse

LONDON, July 24 (Reuters) - Jump jockey Paul O'Neill is to be investigated by racing's regulators after appearing to butt his horse before a race. The Horseracing Regulatory Authority said on Monday they were awaiting video footage from the incident, which took place at Stratford racecourse on Sunday.

O'Neill, 26, had been unshipped from the horse, City Affair, before the start. The pair went on to finish fourth.

No footage of the incident was available to racecourse stewards but was captured by TV channel At The Races.

What kind of idiot picks a fight with a horse? It's fairly stupid to pick a fight with a fellow human who is bigger than you, but a horse?

At the risk of upsetting a few animal rights activists, I find it all pretty damn funny and by the looks of the faces of the Sky Sports News presenters who have been reading the story today, they do too.

For her giggles at the story, Kelly Dalglish has gone up two places to number one in my list of favourite Sky Sports News female presenters.

The Sun Is Out And So Are The Barbarians

2006-07-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

The worst utterance a drippy man like myself can hear at the start of a friendly football match: "Skins take."

It Is Thought That Counts Most Of The Time

2006-07-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

I am very much in the 'It's the thought that counts' camp when it comes to presents/cards on birthdays, anniversaries, at Christmas etc. I genuinely feel it means as much to be wished a happy birthday or to be sent a Christmas card as it is to receive some lavish gift.

Although, having just thought about it, it would be a bit of a disappointment to wake up on Christmas morning as a child to be given a kiss by your mother and a handshake by your father as they wish you a merry Christmas rather than the handing over of the latest games console you had hoped for.

Anyway, back to my point. Surprise parties. Here, the thought really doesn't count. I honestly shudder at the thought of walking into my house to hear the shouting out of "SURPRISE" by a collection of family members, friends, neighbours and local boobs.

Oh no, a surprise party would not be for me. One good thing would be that the organisers of the party are likely to be people who don't really know you very well, if they set up a surprise party that you don't want, hence they probably annoy you a little bit. You may well think they are pricks, so you could plan a pretty good retaliation. That would be an upside.

Richard Madeley

2006-07-17T18:14:00.000-07:00

Richard Madeley is brilliant. He should be employed as a communal embarrassing Dad for everyone who doesn't have one, or is too stupid to realise they have one, and so miss out on ribbing him.

Your Mam

2006-07-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

The least witty response to a "yo momma" jibe in world history?

Still, it was a fitting end to Zizou's career. The match summed him up perfectly. Fantastic talent, bit of a French twat.

Printing Error

2006-07-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

I think a 'N' has gone astray in favour of a 'L' somewhere on this card.

International Trade

2006-07-11T06:51:00.000-07:00

This is what Se-Young Park had to say after buying an item from me on ebay:

Dear sir!
I bided your item(200002580753)
I will pay now
Please quickly delivery
Good Luck
Thank you

Still, I suppose it is better than what I could come up with in Korean.

I'm Cracking Under The Pressure Of Life, So I Am Taking A Break

2006-07-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Portugal for a bit, so I won't be able to keep up the enormous output of the last few weeks. I'll bring us all back some stuff from the hotel and share it out when I get back. Nothing from the mini-bar though, just pens, pads of paper, shower caps and curtains etc.

By the way, as anyone ever been to an hotel and not worried when it comes to checking out that you may have accidentally knocked the porn channel on one night?

Argentina

2006-06-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

Today saw me see the greatest exhibition of football I have ever witnessed. Argentina, my hat is off to you.

Predictions

2006-06-09T18:33:00.000-07:00

This blog is likely to turn into a predictions page over the next few weeks as the World Cup is on.

10th June Predictions

England 2 - Paraguay 0
Sweden 2 - Trinidad & Tobago 0
Argentina 0 - Ivory Coast 0

World Cup Tournament Bets

2006-06-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

I am not normally one for outright tournament bets, but as it is the World Cup I could not resist a couple of small punts to add to the excitement.

My bets are:

Portugal to win the World Cup at 25/1 (Doubt they'll win it, but those odds are pretty good.)

Ronaldo to win the Golden Boot at 11/1 (As he is the Daddy.)

Fifa World Cup 2006 - Please Look Away Now If You Don't Want To Know Every Result

2006-06-05T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well, today is the day you have all been waiting for. Today I reveal how the Fifa World Cup 2006 will pan out.

Here goes:

Group A
Winners: Poland
2nd: Germany
3rd: Ecuador
4th Costa Rica

Group B
Winners: Sweden
2nd: England
3rd: Trinidad and Tobago
4th: Paraguay

Group C
Winners: Argentina
2nd: Ivory Coast
3rd: Holland
4th: Serbia and Montenegro

Group D
Winners: Mexico
2nd: Portugal
3rd: Iran
4th Angola

Group E
Winners: Italy
2nd: Czech Republic
3rd: United States
4th: Ghana

Group F
Winners: Brazil
2nd: Australia
3rd: Japan
4th: Croatia

Group G
Winners: Switzerland
2nd: France
3rd: South Korea
4th: Togo

Group H
Winners: Ukraine
2nd: Spain
3rd: Tunisia
4th: Saudi Arabia

2nd Round

Poland-England = England win
Argentina-Portugal = Argentina win
Sweden-Germany = Germany win
Mexico-Ivory Coast = Ivory Coast win
Italy-Australia = Italy win
Switzerland-Spain = Switzerland win
Brazil-Czech Republic = Brazil win
Ukraine-France = France win

Quarter finals

England-Argentina = Argentina win
Italy-Switzerland = Italy win
Germany-Ivory Coast = Germany win
Brazil-France = France win

Semi finals

Argentina-Italy = Argentina win
Germany-France = France win

3rd/4th place play-off

Italy- Germany = Germany win

Final
Argentina-France = Argentina win

So there we have it. Conclusive proof that Argentina will be victorious at this year's World Cup finals.

Not A Top Bloke

2006-06-01T07:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met anyone who is regarded as a 'top bloke' who hasn't been a complete wanker?

*Please excuse my swearing. I like to get these words off my chest on here, as I am such a polite young man in real life.

I'm Glad I Wasn't An Englishman In New York

2006-06-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

I love playing sports, but generally speaking the sports I like to play involve little bravery and are more technique-based. This is why I thank the lord every day that I was not born an American. The major sports in the United States of America are not in any way tempting to play for a young boy.

I look back to my childhood and think to how much fun I had playing football virtually every day in a variety of makeshift locations. Now, if I had been born American I'd have had the choice of baseball, american football, ice hockey or basketball.

First and foremost, I'd have ruled basketball out based on the height I'd have been likely to grow to. Even a wild estimate wouldn't have seen me approach six foot, and virtually every professional player is freakishly tall. So, in my 6 year old wisdom, I'd have thought to myself "I am not going to make it in this giants' business, what else is there on offer?"

American football? I do not think so. In this sport, you have the option of becoming a big bastard who floors people running at high speeds or being a little runner who gets smashed at high speeds. I would not want to become a big bastard and I would not have wanted to be smashed at high speeds.

Ice hockey? What kind of child would look at this sport and think, "Ooo, yes this looks like the sport for me?" You have to skid about in ice cold temperatures on skates the width of a pizza cutter, all with the aim of whacking a rock hard puck about, that could quite easily wound you.

On top of this, it is almost obligatory to have a bare knuckle fight every match. And as for people who play the position of goaltender in this sport, well there is just nothing to say on the matter. I can understand someone doing the job professionally, you get handsome financial reward, no doubt. But to grow up wanting to be an ice hockey goal tender? What kind of lunatic are we talking about here?

Baseball would have to be my sport of choice, but I would not be happy about the situation. Batting is quite a risky business, what with the ball being basically a rock, thrown as fast as the pitcher can possibly throw it at you. Fielding, I suppose I would just have to take up, despite it possibly being the most boring way to spend a life in sport imaginable.

Title

2006-05-31T07:12:00.000-07:00

My nextdoor neighbour is hilarious. He claims to know everything about football, yet whenever a match has just kicked off on TV, you see him wander out of his front door. And you just know his wife is sat watching Coronation Street. Unlucky son.

This Is The Moment...

2006-05-31T04:34:00.000-07:00

... I was equidistant between John O'Groats and Land's End.

Rock and Roll!

Carragher

2006-05-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

The anchor man position in football is beautiful. It is all about reading of the game, and I love to see it performed well. French midget Claude Makelele is in a league of his own in the role. He hovers around behind his more forward-thinking teammates, and with immense discipline snuffs out attack-after-attack from the opposing team.

England, you know, that country with the drinkers and the fighters, have tried to play a formation incorporating a midfield anchor man for a number of years now. Steven Gerrard, David Beckham, Ledley King, Owen Hargreaves and Michael Carrick have all been tried in the role with negatives being put against each of the names, whether it be that the players are too attacking, not good enough on the ball or whatever.

Anyway, my point. Jamie Carragher, the brilliant scouse defender was given the role tonight against Hungary. When I heard the news, I wasn't sure how he would do, and was interested to see how he performed. Well, I watched him play for 45 minutes and he did the job to perfection. He read the game, intercepted the ball and gave a simple pass to someone else to look for a more positive pass.

Second half comes, and where does he play... right back. I am looking foward to see who is given the role next. Probably whizzkid, Aaron Lennon.

Goodbye.

News

2006-05-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

This story I read on Teletext summed so many things up, I thought I would go to the trouble of typing it out for you all, my faithful readers.

OFFENDERS 'MADE COSTUMES'

Criminals ordered to do community work have been doing furniture restoration courses and costume-making for the Notting Hill carnival, it has emerged.

In a report on the way such sentences are handled by the Probation Service, it also emerged sessions were cancelled because staff refuse to work weekends.

The Chief Inspector of Probation found criminals felt traditional punishments such as litter-picking were boring.

Quite literally, unbelievable.

I Am A Soldier

2006-05-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

During this evening's 5-5 football showdown at College Grove, Wakefield, tragedy almost struck.
On 25 minutes, after earlier opening the scoring with an audacious lob over the helpless opposing goalkeeper, Andrew S. World went to make an interception in his own box, only to stub his foot under the ball with his ankle beginning to twist.

Anguish was written across the face of everyone, fearing a break was inevitable. Thankfully, the ankle was only twisted and to everyone's astonishment, the young man dusted himself down and carried on playing, despite severe ankle ligament damage.

Some would say this is a measure of the man. Some might be right, I just do not know.

No doubt the front and back pages of the newspapers over the next few days will focus on Andrew S. World's battle for fitness ahead of Monday night's 5-a-side bout, again at College Grove, Wakefield.

Deposit

2006-05-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

The deposit amount you have to pay on stuff is hilarious. If you want a shopping trolley, just head down to your local supermarket, slot £1 into a trolley of your choice...

It's yours... BARGAIN!

If you fancy a nice 7 iron golf club and matching putter, then pop down to your local pitch and putt, you will be asked for around £2 deposit...

They're yours... BARGAIN!

Try and think of some of your own, you'll be sure to find a bargain.

Word Of The Day

2006-05-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

Reminiscent

Word Of The Day

2006-05-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

Traumatic

Word Of The Day

2006-05-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

Incessant

Definition: unceasing: continuing for a long time without stopping.

2006-05-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I have just found a book, in which I predicted how the Premiership table would end up for the 2005/06 season.

This is what I predicted:
1. Chelsea
2. Manchester United
3. Arsenal
4. Liverpool
5. Tottenham Hotspur
6. Birmingham City
7. Bolton Wanderers
8. Middlesbrough
9. Newcastle United
10. Aston Villa
11. Blackburn Rovers
12. Charlton Athletic
13. Everton
14. West Brom
15. Manchester City
16. Wigan Athletic
17. Portsmouth
18. West Ham United
19. Fulham
20. Sunderland

And this is how it really did end up:
1. Chelsea
2. Man U
3. Liverpool
4. Arsenal
5. Tottenham
6. Blackburn
7. Newcastle
8. Bolton
9. West Ham
10. Wigan
11. Everton
12. Fulham
13. Charlton
14. Middlesbrough
15. Man City
16. Aston Villa
17. Portsmouth
18. Birmingham
19. West Brom
20. Sunderland

Fascinating, isn't it?

I'll be giving you the lowdown on how the World Cup will turn out some time in the near future.

Ideas For Life Improvement

2006-05-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

Put a little sticker in a bag of Doritos so that if you are eating them yourself and you aren't that hungry you can seal them back up to eat another time.
Teach First Aid in schools instead of something shit that no-one needs or wants to do like German.
Teach manners in schools instead of something shit that no-one needs or wants to do like P.S.E.
Beds that are programmed to alarms so that when your alarm goes off, it just tips you upright, so you have no choice but to get up.

You Belong At Elland Road, They Chanted

2006-05-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

I was chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool with my old mate Jonny Woodgate today in the Welsh capital. Unfortunately, when it came to me taking his picture, his Spanish bearded aquaintance walked in the way.

Nonetheless, this picture of the back of his hair will go down in my folklore as the time I was within 5 yards of Jonathan Woodgate, as he was quite plainly scared of the Leeds United yobs' chants in his face.

I also saw Leeds Rhinos legend Richie Mathers urinating at the side of the motorway, before later in the day see him almost get knocked down by a bus as his teammate Danny McGuire watched on.

Life Cannot Get Better Than Seeing That

2006-05-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

If you didn't see the Lithuanian entry at this evening's Eurovision song contest, please, please, please take my advice and by any means possible find a way of viewing it. It is without question the most hilarious thing I have ever seen.

In fact, I would advise that you find a way of viewing the entire show, if you can, as on top of the hilarity of the Lithuanian entry, there were some fantastic female legs on show.

Schindler's List by Andrew S. World

2006-05-19T17:29:00.000-07:00

Schindler's List - by Andrew S. World

Geraint Schindler, a 29-year old Welsh bachelor, is sat at home one Thursday night. He is a little bored and can't find anything to watch on the box, so he decides to write a list of things he wants to do before he is 30. He notes down 15 things, ranging from going to the Tower of Pisa and leaning the opposite way to the tower to make it look straight, to going to Rio de Janeiro and dekegging a Brazilian beach footballing genius.

On the last day before his 30th birthday, he has one thing left on his list to do, bum his best friend Nora. She doesn't realise he has only been hanging round with her since they were in nursery together because he fancied a piece of the Nora pie.

Will he tell her of his love for her, or won't he? More importantly, will he bum her before his 30th anniversary of birth.

The Liberian Librarian

2006-05-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

After watching Argentina under-20s beat Czech Republic under-20s on Eurosport I decided to have a bit of a flick through the channels to see if there was anything comical on. I couldn't find a single thing I wanted to even glance at, until I noticed on one of the Sky Movies channels there was a film on called 'The Liberian.'

How excited was I? Very. I've never seen a Liberian that I haven't been impressed with, so to find a film about a Liberian was going to be incredible viewing.

I watched the film for about 5 minutes, rapidly becoming extremely bored. A Liberian hadn't been on in that period, so I checked the sypnosis. What did I find? The film was called 'The Librarian.'

How disappointed was I? Very. The librarian wasn't even Liberian.

'The Liberian Librarian' would be a brilliant film.

I Thought My Number Was Up

2006-05-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

When I was confronted by a man wielding this weapon of mass-destruction...

...I reacted like this...

Neighbours: 18/5/2006

2006-05-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

Boyd borrowed Stingray's video camera, without Stingray's knowledge.
Steph took up the role of Tupac Shakur and sent a message to her unborn child.
Boyd cried whilst wearing a polo shirt that he has seemingly been wearing every day since starting university.
Paul Robinson conned Lyn Scully into serving Harold Bishop an eviction notice. On doing so, he displayed the most hilarious mannerisms ever seen.
Karl watched on as the love he threw away displayed amazing humanity. Oh, he realises now he loves her.
Dyl-Dogs made a whopping $300 in a week. That is £121.57 to you and I.

Man of the Match: Stingray is awarded the MoM thanks to a superb assist that the show could not have done without. Paul Robinson can count himself unlucky not to win the award though, after pulling an astoundinglu ridiculous face in his brief spell in the episode.

Alan Fletcher

2006-05-18T02:37:00.000-07:00

You have earned the right...

to be addressed as Alan Fletcher.

What's up?

2006-05-17T07:37:00.000-07:00

I wish more people in Britain would greet each other by saying, "What's up?" I wouldn't use the term myself, but I imagine it would become a major part of my life thinking of oh-so-witty replies.

"What's up?"
"The sky."

How we would laugh.

They Say It Is Tough At The Top

2006-05-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you... they are right.

Careers

2006-05-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

A career. Nobody wants a career. People want two things from a job: a) as much money as possible for b) as little work as possible.

The term 'career' will have been invented by some loaded bloke who wants peasants to do something really dull for 50 hours a week at a slightly above average salary. And idiots fall for it and are quite proud to tell their mates (who are also usually easily-impressed twats) "I've worked 92 hours this week, let's snort cocaine."

The following diagram shows an income/leisure trade-off. At present I appear on the extreme right on the preference for leisure side. Admittedly, I could perhaps do with starting to get a bit of money in for my future security, but as soon as I have enough money to support myself and my family forever more, I aim to get right back on that leisure side.

You will not see me 80 years of age saying something along the lines of, "It's work that keeps me sane and alive." No, I will be more likely to be saying at 80, "It's knowing when to quit that has got me watching Countdown every day and bloody enjoying getting the conundrum from time-to-time."

If I Were Michael Ballack...

2006-05-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

...I'd have more money than Michael Ballack. I'd have a window-cleaning round on the side.

Isn't It A Lovely Spring Day

2006-05-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

Isn't it a lovely spring day?*

* For American readers - it isn't.

Italia

2006-05-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

Cynics everywhere suggest Italy is a corrupt nation. Football is big business in Italy, with many of the top clubs being bankrolled by powerhouse companies. Turin-based Juventus are funded by Fiat, for instance. Football in Italy, for many a year, has also been subject to allegations of bungs and bribes to settle important matches.

Let us turn to Sunday 14th May 2006, the last day of the Serie A, Italian football league season. The title is still up for grabs. Juventus and AC Milan are chasing lo scudetto, arguably football's biggest domestic prize. If AC Milan win, they need Juventus to lose to take the championship. Juventus simply need to win and they will be crowned champions.

How do things pan out, I hear you ask?

AC Milan win 2-1, thanks to goals from two penalties, one of which given in the 2nd minute of 2nd half injury time.

Juventus win 2-0, with a Alex Del Piero goal in the 92nd minute, without much challenge from opposing defenders.

Anything dodgy? Not for me to say.

You crafty Italians. I love the Italians.

Political

2006-05-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

So, the time is here, the time every two years when all the deadheads put England flags on their car.

It may be a simplistic measure, but it would certainly solve a lot of this country's problems if everyone seen with a St George's Cross attached to their automobile was put on a big boat in a landlocked country. Mongolia would be apt.

A bit of a blast on 'Henman Hill' in late June might also help get this once great country back on its feet.

Bye dudies.

Be Right Back

2006-05-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

I am currently not in the best of shape. Don't worry though, once I recover, I have a lot to moan about including:

Toothache
Dentists
Anti-biotics
Leeds United
Sunburn
9 hour queues

and much, much more.

Just A Little Poem

2006-05-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

Real may have Beckham, Juve its Del Piero,
Henry is at Arsenal, Barca has Ronaldinho,

And what of Lyon’s Juninho?
He never seems to miss

But we don’t care at all
Because we’ve got Eddie Lewis

LEWBANGER - YOU LITTLE LEGEND

British Optimism

2006-05-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

I had a rare moment of British optimism last night. I was watching the late night weather and it said that it was going to be warm on the 'morrow. It brought a smile to my face. I thought to myself, "I can stop whingeing about the cold, grey days of the last 6 months and look forward to the warm weather I so long for."

I awoke today and I was red hot. I am now going to whinge about the heat for 6 months. I am British, as Britons should and were meant to be.

*I do like playing football in the heat though. I'm just a wacky guy like that.

Ooo A Black One Or A Blue One Please

2006-05-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

I know nothing about cars. There, I admit it. I judge cars by the colour of them, though I must admit if someone came to pick me up in one of those bouncing vehicles that LA-based drug dealers drive, then I would be impressed.

Similarly, if someone chose to drive a Williams Renault Formula 1 car like Nigel Mansell and Damon Hill used to drive, then I would be impressed, both by their choice of motor and their disregard of how they are going to transport furniture when they purchase some.

Let's face it, everyone needs furniture at some point and we all know delivery men can't be trusted.The last delivery man who came to my house took the front door off without waiting for me to respond to his question: "Is it ok if I take your door off?" Given the chance I would have used the Alan Partridge comment, "That's bizarre."

Delivery men being delivery men though, the door was off and the settee delivery made before I'd had chance to be appalled at one of them showing his fat arse crack in my living room.

When I grow up though, I'm going to drive a big bastard of a car and stick two fingers up at people stood at bus stops. I joke of course. I don't intend to grow up.

The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King by Andrew S. World

2006-05-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King - Plot summary by Andrew S. World

King Tony of Ghana owns 21 gold rings worth 3.4 million pounds. They only keep their value if they remain in Ghana though. King Tony guards them with his life at all times.

When King Tony is offered the chance to go to England to play his favourite sport, football, professionally, he wonders what to do. He doesn't want his rings to lose their value, so he has two choices: a) turn down the opportunity to be a professional footballer in England or b) let someone else look after them in Ghana, in his absence.

King Tony decides he just has to go to England, but doesn't know anyone trustworthy enough to look after the 21 gold rings. He holds interviews for someone to guard the rings. A man named Abedi turns out to be the most trustworthy candidate, and is given the opportunity to look after the valuable rings. He is given the title, 'The Lord Of The Rings.'

After 2 years in England, scoring many goals in the English Premiership, King Tony returns to Ghana. The first thing he does upon arrival in West Africa is go to The Lord Of The Rings' house and take back the rings. He thanks him for looking after them and becomes 'The Lord Of The Rings' himself.

The Godfather: Part 2 by Andrew S. World

2006-05-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

THE GODFATHER: PART 2 - Plot summary by Andrew S. World

Sequel to The Godfather.

After Barry's refusal to be the Godfather of Gordon's first child, Gordon didn't let Barry use his fish and chip shop for 3 years. However, Gordon has decided to forgive and forget, and to show just how much he has forgiven Barry he asks him to be the Godfather of his second child, Rudiger. Moral dilemmas ensue.

Barry has to decide whether to become the Godfather of the child. Sure, it's a cute kid, but he hardly knows Gordon, he's only ever spoken briefly to him about the weekly car boot sale held near the Dewsbury Rams stadium and to seek forgiveness for rejecting the Godfathership of Gordon's first child.

Barry wonders why he has been asked and not a closer friend. If he decides to reject the invitation, how will this make Gordon feel? Will it hurt his feelings? Will there be reperscussions? Will Gordon ever serve Barry his Friday night fish and chip meal again?

Watch and find out... the third greatest film ever made.

The Shawshank Redemption by Andrew S. World

2006-05-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION - Plot Summary by Andrew S. World

Lucas and Philomen, two friends are sat at their local public house one evening when Lucas suggests that the urinals in the pub are made by Shawshank. Philomen tells Lucas he is wrong and they are in fact made by Armitage Shanks.

An strong argument erupts, with Lucas eventually punching Philomen in the face. They decide the only way the debate can be solved is if they go look in the toilets to see who does in fact make the urinals. It is proved that Armitage Shanks does make them. Lucas buys Philomen a pint of beer and a bag of pork scratchings, thus redeeming himself.

The Godfather by Andrew S. World

2006-05-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

Well, as shown by my previous post I have not seen many of the great films. So, for the lads, I will write my own plot summary of each film based on the title.

I'm not one for a dramatic countdown to number 1, so I will start with number 1 and work my way up to whatever number I get bored at over the coming days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, ages.

THE GODFATHER - Plot summary by Andrew S. World

Gordon opens a new fish and chip shop in a suburb of the northern England town of Dewsbury. Barry, a local family man tries it out, likes it and ends up making a regular visit, every Friday. On just his 6th visit though, Barry is asked to be the Godfather of the takeaway owner's firstborn child. Moral dilemmas ensue.

Barry has to decide whether to become the Godfather of the child. Sure, it's a cute kid, but he hardly knows Gordon, he's only ever spoken briefly to him about the weekly car boot sale held near the Dewsbury Rams stadium.

Barry wonders why he has been asked and not a closer friend. If he decides to reject the invitation, how will this make Gordon feel? Will it hurt his feelings? Will there be reperscussions? Will Gordon ever serve Barry his Friday night fish and chip meal again?

Watch and find out... the greatest film ever made.

On Drapes' Request

2006-05-02T17:32:00.000-07:00

Saw this over at The Wanted Man's site (http://uptothetest.blogspot.com), it's a list of the top 100 films as decided by one glossy publication or another.

What's been done here is that films that have been viewed be myself have been highlighted red and those that I haven't seen are the usual black. Hopefully this will lead to you feeling like you know me a little better, it's also a piss easy post for me.

I would recommend that other bloggers do the same, cut and paste this into your blog making the necessary alterations then we can all ohh and ahh at what we learn, which is probably just that the Police Academy series was vastly underrated.

Anyway -

1.Godfather, The (1972)
2.Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
3.Godfather: Part II, The (1974)
4.Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The (2003)
5.Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
6.Schindler's List (1993)
7.Seven Samurai (1954)
8.Casablanca (1942)
9.Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
10.Star Wars (1977)
11.Citizen Kane (1941)
12.One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
13.Dr. Strangelove (1964)
14.Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
15.Rear Window (1954)
16.Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
17.Pulp Fiction (1994)
18.Usual Suspects, The (1995)
19.Memento (2000)
20.North by Northwest (1959)
21.12 Angry Men (1957)
22.The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966)
23.Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
24.Psycho (1960)
25.Amelie (2001)
26.Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
27.It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
28.Goodfellas (1990) [Watched about half of this, but got a bit restless and went to play cricket in the garden.]
29.American Beauty (1999)
30.Sunset Blvd. (1950)
31.Vertigo (1958)
32.Matrix, The (1999)
33.City of God (2002)
34.To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
35.Once upon a Time in the West (1968)
36.Apocalypse Now (1979)
37.Pianist, The (2002)
38.Third Man, The (1949)
39.Paths of Glory (1957)
40.Taxi Driver (1976)
41.Fight Club (1999)
42.Spirited Away (2001)
43.Some Like It Hot (1959)
44.Double Indemnity (1944)
45.Boot, Das (1981)
46.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
47.Singin' in the Rain (1952)
48.Chinatown (1974)
49.L.A. Confidential (1997)
50.Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
51.Requiem for a Dream (2000)
52.All About Eve (1950)
53.M (1931)
54.Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
55.Se7en (1995)
56.Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
57.Saving Private Ryan (1998)
58.Rashomon (1950)
59.Raging Bull (1980)
60.Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
61.Alien (1979)
62.American History X (1998)
63.Sting, The (1973)
64.Leon (1994)
65.Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
66.Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
67.Vita Ã¨ bella, La (1997)
68.Touch of Evil (1958)
69.Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
70.Finding Nemo (2003)
71.2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
72.Reservoir Dogs (1992)
73.Great Escape, The (1963)
74.Modern Times (1936)
75.Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
76.Amadeus (1984)
77.On the Waterfront (1954)
78.Ran (1985)
79.Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
80.Annie Hall (1977)
81.Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
82.Jaws (1975)
83.Apartment, The (1960)
84.Braveheart (1995)
85.High Noon (1952)
86.Aliens (1986)
87.Fargo (1996)
88.Strangers on a Train (1951)
89.Shining, The (1980)
90.Metropolis (1927)
91.Blade Runner (1982)
92.Sixth Sense, The (1999)
93.City Lights (1931)
94.Donnie Darko (2001)
95.Duck Soup (1933)
96.Great Dictator, The (1940)
97.General, The (1927)
98.The Seventh Seal (1957)
99.Princess Bride, The (1987)
100.Dogville (2003)

OK, I admit that the list of classics I have seen isn't very impressive, but I would have to question this list. Where are Boyz 'n' The Hood and Home Alone 2, for instance?

In my defence also, I have aimed to watch City Of God and The Godfather for some time, I've just had a lot on my plate, what with life and things. I am going to see how much I can get City Of God for now on ebay.

(At this stage, I must point out that I'm deadly serious about the Boyz 'n' The Hood omission.)

Inquiry Closed

2006-05-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

Shooting concern
THE shooting of a man at a city centre nightclub is concerning enough. But what makes the incident at Creation in the early hours of Monday even more disturbing is what happened next.

Police arriving at the scene were pelted with missiles and extra officers had to be called in to quell the hostile crowds.

Coun Mohammed Iqbal has quite rightly called for an inquiry into how clubbers were able to smuggle a gun into the venue.

But let's hope CCTV footage of those who attacked the police allows them, too, to be swiftly brought to justice.

This story relates to a shooting in a major Leeds city centre nightclub on early Monday morning.

Coun Mohammed Iqbal is quite right to pose his question. I think I may be able to help him out though.

I have been rejected from many nightclubs in my time, for varying reasons. Some of the ones that come to mind are:

Not being old enough.
Allegedly not being old enough.
Being old enough, but not having proof.
Being drunk.
Being in too big a gang.
Not wearing a shirt with a collar on.
Wearing trainers.
Not wearing 'proper' trousers (I must have had some emarrassing situations over the years, if the trousers I were wearing weren't 'proper'.)

I'm sure there have been other reasons why bouncers have not let me in their 'proper' classy establishments. Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that despite all these reasons for not being allowed in clubs, not once have I been rejected for carrying a firearm. Not that I carry a firearm, but if I did, that wouldn't get me stopped from entering a club.

So the moral of the story...

Good

Bad