Things I Won't Even Fake A Thank You For If I Get It For Christmas #1

#1. Patrick Kielty Live DVD.

My. God.

Voices

You know when you hear someone with a bit of a throaty voice that makes you think, "They must be pretty cool, they must have led some form of interesting life?" Well that is why I quite like having a sore throat on occasion.

Admittedly, when you first wake up it does hurt a bit, but when you talk you get that hint of gruffness in your voice that makes people think, "His voice is good. He must have done something good with his life. I bet he once worked on a market stall in Bratislava."

Jokes on them though, I just have a sore throat. I'm not interesting at all.

Bona Fide Legend Member #4 - Paul Merson

Christmas

So Christmas is nearly upon us. I bloody love Christmas me. It's the only time of year where you aren't made to feel guilty for sitting on your settee all day eating turkey sandwiches whilst watching Only Fools And Horses and the Steptoe film.

I know it is probably uncommon for people to do this any other time of the year, but swap the word 'turkey' with 'chicken mayonaise' and that is pretty much what I have been doing all year round for the last two years. It's been bloody magnificent. Don't ever accept anyone's story about being unemployed and depressed about it. Unemployment ranks up there with rock star and cobbler in the job stakes.

I know what you are thinking. How is cobbler a great job? Well, just think about your favourite pair of shoes. You bloody love them, don't you? Heel drops off. Disaster. But oh no. Cobbler steps in. Repairs the shoes. Think of the happiness cobbler has created. Brilliant job.

Wages

It is strange how all the best jobs are the best paid. I'm talking about things like being a footballer or a Hollywood actor or Bodger of Bodger and Badger fame.

Fair enough, I understand the used-philosophy that to get the best you have to pay for the best, but it is odd how not once has the argument gone the other way in that there would be always be an endless supply of people willing to do these jobs for virtually nothing.

If someone offered me nothing but a bit of food and drink a week to be a professional footballer, I would jump at the chance. There can be nothing better than waking up of a morning knowing you are going to boot a football about for a couple of hours and thats it.

Heck, I would be Badger of Bodger and Badger fame for a fiver a week.

Another thing whilst I am at it. I hate it when teachers complain about low wages. Have you ever seen a teachers' car park? Gangsta' rappers look on with envy.

Soaps

The one thing that has always amazed me about soapland is despite the entire fiction of the places featured the residents have a perfect knowledge of the real world.

So, with this in mind what also amazes me is that never in an episode of one of the nation's favourite soaps, a character hasn't told a fellow character that they look like the actor who plays them.

For instance, in Eastenders Phil Mitchell and Grant Mitchell could have been in the middle of some beating-up mission (I don't watch Eastenders, but I think they do go on beating-up missions) and then Phil turns to Grant, chuckles and says with a clear hint amusement in his voice,

"Here Graaant, I've just thought who you look like!"

"Whoooose that then, bruv?"

"You know that Ross Kemp fella, off the telly."

"Naah, I don't watch the telly, I beat people up mainly."

"Oh well, bruv, you look like that Ross Kemp off the telly."

"I'll look out for him, bruv."

"Alwight. Let's get on with beating Arfur Farler up then."

"He's dead."

"Oh wight, well let's get home for Ross Kemp's show about gangs on Sky One then."

Emmerdale Farm

I was watching Emmerdale Farm last night. In the episode Woolpack barman, Bob Hope attempted to run down local rich man, Tom King, in his automobile. I would go into more detail, but it isn't important to what I want to say. And besides, if you don't watch Emmerdale Farm, I think it's about time you had a sit down and think about where you life is at and heading.

Anyhow, after avoiding death, Tom King whipped out his mobile phone and dialled 999. The emergency services. The conversation from King's side went as follows:

"Hello, Tom King. Someone's just tried to murder me."

This is where the writers left it for us faithful viewers. I can only speculate as to how the conversation developed, but I imagine this was pretty much it:

"Hello, Tom King. Someone's just tried to murder me."

"OK, what has happened and where are you?"

"Bob Hope has just tried to run me down because he blames me for the death of his daughter."

"Bob Hope eh?... OK. We can send the police. Where are you?"

"Outside The Woolpack Inn, Emmerdale"

"Is this a krank call?"

Food

The worst foodstuff is definitely a bag of McCoys crisps. I hear gasps at that statement. I hear cries of, "No, McCoys are delicious." Don't worry I agree. They are delicious. But, the problem with McCoys is that no-one ever turns one down.

If abiding by the law of crisp eating, that you must offer one to anyone not eating within a 5 yard radius, then you will find yourself giving away many, many potato chips. They are bloody lovely though, so they still have to be consumed at whatever cost (I don't mean monetary cost, I mean whatver the type of cost is when you lose crisps to fellow man.)

What else do I have to say about food? I had some micro chips today for the first time in a long time. Crinkle cut. 4 boxes in return for a one pound coin. They were pretty nice. I'd recommend having two boxes at the same time though as you don't get many in one box. I'd go out on a limb and say not even enough for a chip butty.

What do the yanks call chip butties? Fry sandwiches? I bet they don't even eat fry sandwiches. Further proof that Americans are idiots and George Bush is a cunt. I don't actually think George Bush is a cunt, but I have noticed it is the easiest way to win friends and popularity to say he is one.

What else do I have to say about food? I like brussel sprouts. That's a bit of a shocking statement, I grant you. I don't know anyone else who likes brussel sprouts, so I am clearly in the wrong, but I like them.

What else do I have to say about food? I ate some salmon today. It was rather beautiful, I must admit. I actually bought it myself with money and interaction with checkout staff and all that palaver. It was £4.33 for two salmon steaks with parsley. I'm not actually sure what the parsley did and whether it was factored into the price, but I'm glad I bought it. I had been tempted by some 'Salmon Cuttings' which were 66p and you got a right bagful for your money. It did look bloody horrible though. I think it might have been designed to give to cats or tigers if you have them.

The problem with eating fish is the potential for bones being present. Now I aren't bothered about that personally as I am usually pretty careful when eating it to ensure I aren't eating any bones. The worry for me is that someone else you are eating with is going to choke on a bone and my lack of first aid skills is going to prove costly.

What else do I have to say about food? Nothing.

Real Meanings

There are many clichés that footballing commentators use to describe players. They are just that - clichés - as they always are just said to hide what they really think of the player.

I will reveal the true meanings of some of these clichés as and when I hear them during commentaries over the coming weeks. I will start you off with two of my favourites for now:

"He has a good touch for a big man" - This one can have one of two meanings. It will either mean "He has a brilliant touch, but he does look a bit gangly so we won't go overboard with our praise" or "He has an awful touch, but he is 6 foot 3 so we will forgive him being appalling."

"He really does have a big heart" - This one means "He is atrocious, but he will run about like a madman for 90 minutes."

Yobs

I feel quite sorry for people who have a genuine love for things that are considered a bit yobbish or chavtastic.

I love football, but I am quite willing to accept that that will see me regarded as a bit oafish by many. I can see exactly where the opinion comes from as many people just watch it as it is perceived to be the 'in-thing.' Also, you do get the hooligans who go to football just to grunt at millionaires.

When I see someone overly impressed by a mobile phone or something of that ilk, I just think, 'What a waste of a life,' but then I see something like a nice pair of jeans and turn into exactly the same person as the mobile phone lover.

I am just glad the most of the things I like aren't too popular. There are quite a few things that I have loved and then they have become popular so have lost interest. In the main I find that anything that attracts crowds is a load of rubbish designed to attract morons to dispense with their money.

What Kills You Can Only Make You Weaker

One of the sayings that annoys me most is, "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."

This is untrue in pretty much every case. The phrase is never used after something good has happened. For instance, on someone's 18th birthday celebrations no-one pops out of a massive novelty cake and exclaims, "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."

No, the saying is only used when something bad has happened. I shall for instance you again. The piece of wisdom is usually used after something like someone getting knocked down by a bus, just about surviving, but forcing them to live without feelings in their legs for the rest of their life... and in pops someone to say... "Oh well. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."

Yes, thanks for that Doc, you do talk some bollocks.

I Tell You What Amuses Me...

seeing chimpanzees at zoos.

They are brilliant. They are the only animal in the zoo where watching them is funnier than just shouting, "ONE HAS ESCAPED. OH MY GOD, ONE HAS ESCAPED."